My Bed Against the Wall

I’ve always been really sensitive to the way places are designed and how they make me feel. It was only natural then that this last time I moved I began looking into feng shui. “Maybe there’s something to it,” I thought, with little knowledge of what feng shui is, other than the fact that it’s related to the way objects placed in a space affect life. I had no idea that it’s an extremely detailed art and science that some people spend a lifetime devoted to studying, until of course, I looked into it and figured that out.

According to feng shui, day beds are really never a good idea if you can help it. So I put my twin bed lengthwise letting it sit in the middle of my room. I hated it. I would toss and turn all night. I felt so vulnerable and weird, like I was stranded on an island in the middle of my own room. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I pushed it toward the wall where I liked it best, against the laws of feng shui.

“You have to come see my room! I’ve added some things since you saw it last!” I called to (a.k.a. screeched at) #thelummate who’d come for a sleepover.

I was excited to show her the latest of my additions in decor and organization, so I was surprised when almost immediately she said, “Ooo! I love how you’ve turned the bed! It makes it feel more open.”

I smirked. *take that, feng shui*

“Yeah, I just couldn’t keep it out in the open. I always feel more secure when I’m against the wall.”

Ugh. The words stung as instantly as they left my mouth. Feng shui knows.

“I always feel more secure when I’m against the wall,” I repeated in my thoughts over and over.

Is this representative of how I do relationships? Not always, but I cringe to admit that probably for the last few years at least it is. I’ve been partially accessible from three sides and fearfully nestled against a wall on the fourth. I struggle sometimes to reach out to others or let them in as deeply as I want to or believe I should. Like many of us I imagine, people have been the cause of my greatest joys and deepest pains. In response to the pain though, it seems I’ve managed to cut myself off from both.

I’m still healing from many people-produced pains— some fresh and others expired— but something has to change. I’m not exactly sure what needs to be different but I’m tired of playing it safe in relationships because of fear. I think sometimes I fear being exposed, like if someone knows me too well, they’ll eventually find that I’m not too special and not worth prioritizing. This is not an irrational fear, actually, since it’s very much been my experience. But I also think I’m scared to find that the longer I know people, the less they are what I hoped for them to be, which has also been my experience. The craziest thing about that, though, is that this phenomena is called RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN HUMANS! In the spirit of survival and self-preservation, most people put their best foot forward when they first get to know each other and the longer you know someone the more of their nastiness you see.

I hate it but I also love this because even more than I care about beauty, I care about authenticity. I can handle the fact that deep down, everyone has parts of themselves that are still ugly because something about that is incredibly beautiful. I struggle to believe many more people truly believe this too and will stick close to me when both of our ugliness is revealed. In this day of instant gratification and beautification pain and ugliness are so easily dismissible that it makes lasting things take that much more effort to build. And who is willing to do the construction? Am I? If I am going to make a change, then I have to get out my wrecking ball and construction hat, stand out in the hot sun, and be willing to do the work.

Having said that, I’m still not moving my bed and I’m probably not jumping straight into the openness I fear either. But if I know two things about myself they include the facts that I am made to connect to people and I am a creative problem solver. So I will move forward with baby steps. Maybe I will move my bed just a little bit away from the wall after all. Don’t get too excited though, probably just half an inch and I won’t be excited about the inconvenience of all the pencils and bobby pins I’ll lose in the space between… or perhaps that’s another fact I need to accept because deconstructing your walls means creating space and some things– some people— will fall through the cracks some times.

And it will hurt.

But I suspect the joy will be worth it.

I guess we’ll have to let time tell.

live, learn, love, & leave a legacy,

                                                      Emma